Forbes magazine has named Portland Oregon the most livable ash heap in America, narrowly edging out Seattle Washington and Kenosha Wisconsin. Portland Mayor Ted Wheeler, who now resides in the relative safety of Des Moines, Iowa, was jubilant at the news. “We achieved this honor thanks to my leadership in supporting anarchy over lawfulness,” Wheeler explained. “This ash heap stands as a stark reminder of the need for immigration reform.” When reminded that the protests were about black lives, Wheeler responded, “Really? I guess over the course of 9 months of senseless violence we kinda forgot why we were doing it in the first place.”