[Trigger Warning: 60% Satire, 40% Truth]
Bill Clinton lectures President Trump on respecting the office of the President. The former President also took time to lay out the new rules for the #MeToo movement, solidifying the Democratic stance that sexual assault is only a problem if you are a Republican. Noteworthy quote: “I did not receive a backrub from that woman, that Epstein sex slave… A vote for Biden is a vote for a man who will pardon me when the Epstein charges finally catch up with me.”
Hillary Clinton continues to blame everyone but herself for losing the 2016 election. Noteworthy quote: “All those email messages I irretrievably deleted were of a personal nature. Also, I may have accidentally deleted that anti-Islam YouTube video that led to the violence that killed Chris Stevens. A vote for Biden is a vote for… who gives a crap… it should be me up there.”
Alexandria Ocasio-Cortes nominates Bernie Sanders for President. Noteworthy quote: “Senator Sanders’ candidacy fought for the establishment of 21st-century social, economic and human rights… and also for stealing from the rich to give to the poor… except for Sanders’ millions because.. you know… he earned that from book sales, not by stealing it from the poor like all those filthy, stinking, capitalists who created the industries that actually employ people. A vote for Biden is a vote to destroy the most successful economy in world history.”
Bernie Sanders expresses disappointment that more progressives were not given an opportunity to speak. Noteworthy quote: “I wanted Nicolás Maduro to nominate me but we were concerned that if he left Venezuelan soil no one would let him back in, and we need him there to show the world how successful socialism can be. A vote for Biden is a vote to destroy the most successful economy in world history. Shoot. Did AOC already use that one?”
Elizabeth Warren speaks at the Native American Caucus where she pushes Biden’s plan to forgive millions in student debt. In true Democratic fashion, this will be done though a Ponzi scheme that will no longer be sustainable in 10 years. Noteworthy quote: “I am 0.00000001 percent Navajo so I know what it feels like to be oppressed. A vote for Biden is a vote for the common man, a man who became Vice President with a net worth of $30,000 and now has a net worth of $9 million.”
Michele Obama encourages everyone to go out and vote. Noteworthy quote: “I recorded this message in the Martha’s Vineyard property that Barack and I purchased in 2019 for $12 million after warning everyone that global warming would make our coastlines unlivable by 2020. A vote for Biden is a vote for climate hysteria that we continue to promote but don’t actually believe.”
Barack Obama expresses his support for Biden. Noteworthy quote: “At this point I have no choice but to express support for Biden. A vote for Biden is a vote for someone who is not Donald Trump.”
Kamala Harris picks up where she left off after being unceremoniously ousted from her Presidential campaign before it even got started. Noteworthy quote: “Biden is a racist who inappropriately touches women but we only have to put up with him for what, 2 years, max. A vote for Biden is a vote for me.”
Joe Biden emerged from his basement, saw his shadow, and scampered back into his basement declaring 6 more weeks of hiding from the press. Noteworthy quote, “I don’t need to prove my mental fil… my, uh, mental fil… my, uh, mental fitness. A vote for me is a vote for… uh, a vote for… uh, a vote for me.”
And last, but not least, J. Mai, a “Black-Vietnamese, transgender nonbinary/gender transcendent mermaid Queen-King” who recently became a “licensed minister in the Progressive National Baptist Church” speaks at the LGBTQ+ caucus and calls for the abolition of the police, ICE, and prisons. Noteworthy quote: “Why can’t folks imagine a world without the cops? Why can’t folks imagine a world without prisons? Why did the Democratic Party nominate a white, straight, cis-gender, male, multi-millionaire when those are all the things we hate the most? A vote for Biden is a vote for your right to be a mermaid.”