[Trigger Warning: 80% Satire, 20% Truth]
House Democrats begin impeachment proceedings against President Trump over his efforts to nominate a Supreme Court Justice. A spokesperson explains, “We keep meaning to read the Constitution, but who has the time?”
In the midst of ongoing financial struggles over COVID-19 related shutdowns, Democrats vow to delay any new stimulus packages until after the election. A spokesperson explains, “In the name of Democracy we will block any effort from Trump to ease people’s suffering.”
In anticipation of Trump making a nomination for the Supreme Court, Democrats ask the #MeToo movement to go into “high gear” against any possible nominees. The #MeToo movement politely asks the Democrats to stop hypocritically using them for political gain.
In light of the wildfires ravaging the west coast, Democrats have vowed to defund all firefighters until after the election. A spokesperson explains, “These wildfires happened under Trump’s watch so he is to blame regardless of how tightly we tie his hands.”
House Democrats begin impeachment proceedings against President Trump over his role in the historic Middle Eastern peace treaties. A spokesperson explains, “We cannot allow a situation where Palestine is a safer place to live than Portland.”
Nancy Pelosi vows to “defund” all hair salons except her own. When asked to clarify, Pelosi paraphrases George Orwell’s “Animal Farm” saying, “All people are equal, but some are more equal than others.”
Democrats offer lessons on managing technology to members and their staff. The most popular course is “How To Wipe Your iPhone in 10 Seconds or Less.” Those who pass this class can go on to take Hillary Clinton’s advanced course: “Irretrievably Deleting Select Email Messages off your Private Server.”
Six months into the nation’s battle with a pandemic, Democrats vow to defund all organizations seeking a vaccine for COVID-19 until after the election. A spokesperson explains, “We cannot allow even the perception that something positive happened under the Trump administration.”
House Democrats begin impeachment proceedings against President Trump over his personal appearance. In her press conference, Speaker Nancy Pelosi explains, ”We feel we have a strong Constitutional case based on his hair alone.”