[Trigger Warning: 50% Satire, 50% Truth]
Jan 25, 2020 – CNN BREAKING NEWS – Don Lemon wipes tears from his eyes while his guests mock Trump supporters as mentally deficient. Walter Cronkite rolls over in his grave.
Feb 18, 2020 – MSNBC – Rachel Maddow proclaims, “America would be better off under Hitler than Trump.” Thousands of lobotomized liberals shake their heads in vigorous agreement.
Mar 12, 2020 – CNN BREAKING NEWS – Don Lemon berates former Ohio Governor John Kasich for not hating President Trump enough. Edward R. Murrow rolls over in his grave.
Aug 9, 2020 – CNN BREAKING NEWS – Brian Stelter defends Biden’s fitness for office by showing a clip of Biden riding a bicycle. Frothing at the mouth, Stelter stammers, “If you can ride a bike, you can be President!”
Aug 15, 2020 – MSNBC – Rachel Maddow proclaims Donald Trump to be the Anti-Christ, demonstrating that if you assign random numbers to the letters in “Donald J Trump,” add them up, divide by 13, then subtract 7 the numbers add up to 666. Both of Maddow’s remaining viewers switch to the more reliable Cartoon Network.
Aug 26, 2020 – CNN BREAKING NEWS – With the backdrop of a blazing Kenosha, Wisconsin, CNN reports that the protests are “Fiery But Mostly Peaceful.”
Aug 27, 2020 – CNN BREAKING NEWS – After a Trump supporter is killed in Portland, Oregon, CNN reports that the protests are “Deadly But Mostly Peaceful.”
Sept 15, 2020 – CNN BREAKING NEWS – Chris Cuomo again emphasizes that the Left fact checks both sides equally. His 12 minute long rant is interrupted halfway through when someone accidentally queues up a tape of former President Obama saying, “If you like your doctor, you can keep your doctor.” A news director and two camera operators are injured when Cuomo’s head explodes into a million tiny shards of hypocrisy.
Sept 22, 2020 – CNN BREAKING NEWS – Brian Stelter defends Biden’s fitness for office by showing a clip of Biden eating solid food without assistance. With a vein noticeably throbbing in his left temple, Stelter screams, “If you can feed yourself you can be President!!!”
Oct 31, 2020 – CNN BREAKING NEWS – Don Lemon prepares to begin another news/comedy hour. As cameras start to roll, Walter Cronkite and Edward R. Murrow, having risen from the grave, grab Lemon and drag him to the underworld. Even liberals reluctantly concede that this was long overdue.