[Trigger Warning: 90% Satire, 10% Truth]
The NBA playoffs are temporarily delayed when six teams decide to boycott. The boycott ends roughly 30 seconds later when players realize they don’t get paid if they don’t play. Speaking through a spokesperson, an anonymous player states, “Don’t get me wrong, America is a cesspool of hatred, but it’s the only country where I can earn half a billion dollars for throwing a ball through a hoop. Black Lives Matter, but Money Matters More.”
The NFL is excited to announce that it is changing its name to the Woke Football League. The WFL immediately votes Colin Kaepernick league MVP. The WFL also announces new rules for team names. Names will now simply be a digit that indicates their order in an alphabetic listing of the city names.
The WFL season is off to a disappointing start as a record low 223 people tune into Thursday night’s opener between the Houston Team-13s and the Kansas City Team-16s. Fans are hoping to see some exciting football but are greeted with 3 hours of hard-hitting virtue signaling. The game itself was off to a rocky start when flags were thrown on three of Team-13’s players during the National Anthem for failing to kneel before the play clock expired. Since this carries a 1500 yard penalty Team-13 took their opening snap from three rows deep into parking lot C.
Sunday’s WFL games don’t go any more smoothly when several players are handed multi-game suspensions for accidentally kneeling during the Black National Anthem. Afterwards a regretful player stated, “I tried to memorize the order of the anthems and whether Coach called for a standing or kneeling play for each anthem. After the Asian National Anthem, the Native American National Anthem, and the Hispanic National Anthem I couldn’t remember if the Black National Anthem or the White National Anthem was next. I lost the snap count and that cost us the game.”
In Monday night WFL action Pittsburgh Team-27’s Alejandro Villanueva receives a lifetime ban from football for wearing the name of a fallen soldier on his helmet.