[Trigger Warning: 70% Satire, 30% Truth]
9:00am – Placeholder Presidential Candidate Joe Biden unveils his $1 quadrillion economic stimulus package, making an iron-clad promise that you will not pay a single penny more in taxes if you earn less than $1,000 a year.
10:00am – Presidential Candidate Harris is spotted putting caffeine pills in Biden’s coffee. When asked, a campaign spokesperson replies, “Our focus groups indicate that voter confidence is higher when Biden’s heart is beating more than 35 beats per minute.”
11:00am – In an interview with Jake Tapper, Biden promises 100% transparency on his health once elected President. When asked about his health before the election, Biden suggests Tapper examine his Kindergarten medical records stating, “Those records show that I was a healthy 5 year old and nothing has really changed since then.”
11:30am – Biden posts an “Ask Me Anything” Instagram story then doesn’t answer any of the questions.
1:00pm – Biden is asked by reporters if he uses a teleprompter during interviews. Biden looks away from the teleprompter and says, “Let’s get something straight… when I was a young boy growing up in the great state of Delaware… wait, what was the question?”
2:30pm – Biden wakes from his afternoon nap feeling “very refreshed.”
3:30pm – Presidential Candidate Harris is seen using a portable defibrillator on Biden. When asked, a campaign spokesperson says, “Our focus groups indicate that voter confidence is higher when Biden’s heart is actually beating.”
4:00pm – Suspicions are raised when Biden speaks coherently for 5 straight minutes. Upon review it appears that Biden’s lips don’t sync with his voice. Eagle-eyed reporters spot a copy of “Ventriloquism for Dummies” under Presidential Candidate Harris’ arm.
5:00pm – After another long day of propping up Biden, Presidential Candidate Harris is driven home. Eagle-eyed reporters notice a bumper sticker on Harris’ limo that reads: “I [Heart] the 25th Amendment.”