[Trigger Warning: 90% Satire, 10% Truth]
Presidential Candidate Biden declares that by the time he is done speaking 200 billion people will have died in America from COVID-19. People rest a little easier realizing that, if left alone, Biden will babble incoherently well into 2021.
Speaker Nancy Pelosi finally breaks her silence on the ongoing violence after her hair salon is burned to the ground. Pelosi explains, “Burning down businesses owned by people of color is a valid form of protest supporting black lives. Burning down my hair salon is a criminal act.”
Democrats push for nationwide marijuana legalization. When asked about the timing a spokesperson explains, “Focus groups indicate that Biden’s remarks actually seem to make sense if you are high when you listen to them.”
Democrats, worrying about the potential impact on mail-in votes, finally speak out against the ongoing violence in Chicago where multiple postal workers have been shot. A spokesperson explains, “Black on black violence in no way diminishes the BLM movement, but violence against postal workers delivering our fraudulent mail-in votes is a crime.”
Democrats pledge to honor Biden’s dying wish of having his lifeless body elected President.