In light of President Biden declaring war on Pandora, Defense Secretary Lloyd Austin assured the people that at no point has the President ever been given actual nuclear launch codes. “The launch code card President Biden carries with him is actually a Bingo card we picked up from the local volunteer fire department. During a recent readiness drill Biden proudly announced that the launch code was B14 I30 N41 G53 O74. It was adorable.” When asked about the constitutionality of this action, Austin replied, “Would you give a man who can’t string two sentences together the ability to launch actual nuclear weapons?”